


The Sun Always Shines on T.V.

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Gen, Humor, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-05-15
Updated: 1999-05-15
Packaged: 2018-11-11 00:34:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11137719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived atDue South Archive. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address onDue South Archive collection profile.





	The Sun Always Shines on T.V.

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

The Sun Always Shines On TV

# The Sun Always Shines on T.V.

The great influenza epidemic of February 1996 was a brutal one. *Was it not T.S. Eliot who said February was the cruellest month*, thought Fraser as he rubbed the pain from his temples. He caught the flu from Ray who caught the flu from his older sister who caught the flu from her small daughter who caught the flu at school not heeding the warnings of sharing drinking thermoses with children who have runny noses. Nevertheless, the flu had been spread and there was nothing that Fraser could do about it. He tried to ward off being absent from work by saying to Thatcher that his throbbing head pains were little green men pounding the insides of his cranium with sledgehammers and his throat was itchy because it was pining for the fjords (*pining for the fjords!?!?*). Yes, he had been hallucinating, still was hallucinating, all week. He had become convinced that Diefenbaker stored Hitler's brain somewhere in the apartment and that Thatcher was the AntiChrist (well it's true, isn't it?). It was then that she had him dismissed from duty. So Fraser had been home for half of the week. Dressed in his long red pajamas, he walked outside the door, picked up his mail, turned the **UNCLEAN** sign on his door to **CLEAN** and walked back in. 

Fraser settled in bed. Straight ahead of him was a T.V. that Ray had given him. It was also connected to cable. Fraser virtually never watched television. Nothing interested him. Twenty something friends coexisting together, wealthy teenagers living promiscuously in California, dull forty year old women complaining about something or another quite frankly annoyed the hell out of him. Still, he had the movie channel. And when he flipped it on (in his feverish state of mind), this happened... 

A string of kilted men stood on the ridge of Sterling Bridge armed to the teeth and faced the English on the opposite side. They waited for one man and one man only. Not even a mile away, a man rode on his horse with another man. His long brown hair waved in the wind. His piercing green eyes showed determination. The other man brushed back the mane of long black hair from his face and his blue eyes fixed on the Scotsmen assembled for battle. Sir Ray Vecchio, or **RAYVEHEART** (*Il Cuore Raimundo*, in Italian), had arrived. 

Sir Ray stepped off his horse and addressed the men proudly, defiantly. 

"Okay, guys, those guys over there don't want us to be free but I say to hell with them. This is the chance of a lifetime, to kill our enemies, to say to them that they may take our wives, our kids, our houses, our goldfish, they may even take our lives but they'll never take **OUR FREEDOM!!! VIVA ITALIA!** " 

The man with Sir Ray, a certain Lord Benton of the Mighty Clan Fraser, motioned him over as the crowd cheered wildly. 

"Uh, Sir Ray, this is Scotland." 

Sir Ray nodded. 

"I knew that." 

Sir Ray drew his sword. 

"I say we kick some..." 

Fraser slurped his orange juice noisily. 

"I can beat him at caber toss any day of the week." 

Ray fell onto the couch and groaned as his muscles ached against the plushness of the cushions. He had been let off work for today because of the raging flu he caught from his older sister who caught it from her daughter who in turn caught it at school. He hallucinated, raved, swore, coughed, sneezed and was quite ill over the rugs. He decided that he could not stay in bed any longer. He had to watch something on T.V. The extremely risque version of *Madame Chatterly's Lover* (which, oddly enough, was given to him by his best friend, Fraser) could only entertain him for so long. He clicked the television on with the remote control and this is what he saw... 

Victoria and Ian MacDonald sat face-to-face in a diner. 

"I love you, Ian," she smiled. 

"And I love you, Vickie." 

Suddenly, they jumped on their table, cocked their guns and screamed at the patrons. 

"Alright everybody, this is a robbery!" 

"Any one of you @#$% move and I'll execute every last*%#$@ one of ya!" 

Benny Vega and Ray Winnefield drove through the mean streets of Chicago in the dusty green Riviera. 

"So tell me about the milk bars," Ray said casually to Benny. 

"What would you like to know, Ray?" 

"Well, what do they drink there?" 

"Oh - milk. You can also get beverages there, like Sprite or Coke." 

"What do they eat at MacDonald's?" 

"Big Macs..." 

Ray's eyes widened. 

"Whoa! You guys have Big Macs?!" 

"Yes, we do, Ray." 

"That's it, I'm going, man. I'm just there." 

A pause fell between them. 

"What do you call a quarter pounder in Canada?" 

Benny laughed. 

"We have the metric system, Ray, we don't know what the hell a quarter pounder is. No, we call that a Royale with Cheese." 

Ray laughed. 

"You know what they put on fries in Quebec?" Benny quizzed. 

"No. What?" 

"Cheese and gravy." 

Ray groaned. 

"So, are you going out with Mr. Wallace's wife tonight, Benny?" 

Benny squirmed in his seat. 

"Yeah," he replied uneasily. 

"Gonna show her a good time?" 

Benny became angry. 

"Look, I'm simply going to take her to dinner and take her home again. That's it and that's all. Okay?!" 

Ray shrugged. 

"It's nothing to me," he scoffed. 

That was how the torrid epic of **Pulp Fraser** began. 

Huey sneezed. His Missus looked on him pitifully and gave him a glass of orange juice. He settled himself on the couch and covered his lower body in a big warm blanket. He turned on the T.V. to watch his favourite movie.... 

**Fraser's Crossing...**

A Stetson blew across the clearing in the forest. An Uileann pipe followed its inspired trail... 

Leo Frobisher pressed his back against the hard leather seat. At his right hand side was his trusty compatriot, Benny. They listened attentively as Michael Zuko raved on about Ian, the bookie who swindled him and how he would like to kill him if only Leo would hand him over. 

"Your proposition is as clear as mud," Leo said finally. 

"Look, Frobisher, it's a matter of simple ethics. Just give me Ian and everything will be as it is." 

"And how's that?" Leo queried. 

"With you running things on your end and me running things on mine," Zuko smiled. 

Leo stood and glared at Zuko. 

"You're not telling me the way things are, buster! Get out or I'll have you thrown out!' 

Zuko cursed. 

"You'll never get away with giving me the highhat, Leo. You'll regret it!" 

After Zuko stormed out of the office, Benny turned to Leo. 

"Give Zuko Ian. He's nothing worth losing what we've got now." 

Leo stared at Benny. 

"Benny, what the hell are you saying? Are you out of your noodle? I won't give Ian to anybody. I'll do the deciding if you don't mind." 

"Even if it means losing everything? If you're not careful you won't be running things around here anymore. Surely, you can see that?' 

"Don't tell me what I see and what I don't see!" Leo snapped. "And **don't** call me Shirley." 

Benny left Leo's office in anger. He walked down High Street and turned right into a dingy apartment complex. He was off to see Leo's girl, Vickie Bernstein. 

Benny walked in and poured himself a beverage. Vickie sauntered out of the bathroom in an elegant evening gown. 

"Who said you could come in?" she asked. 

"I didn't think I needed permission, Doll-Face." 

"If Leo found out about us..." she warned. 

"Never mind about Leo!" he snapped. "What about Jolly?" 

Vickie became defensive. 

"What about Jolly?" 

Benny swigged down his beverage. 

"Don't play dumb with me! I know you did him in at Fraser's Crossing. Bullet to the face, I believe. He knew about us so you whacked him." 

Vickie scowled. 

"You're disgusting! I can't even believe you would think something like that." 

Benny grabbed Vickie by the shoulders and shook her. 

"You're not as cute as you let on. You know how to survive. Just play it sweet, kiss up to any sucker, oh yeah, I know how you play your game." 

"Let go of me." 

"If only your brother knew how to take care of himself they way you do." 

Vickie stopped resisting Benny and looked at him. 

"What do you mean?" 

"I mean that Ian's a marked man. Zuko's got a contract on him and I think Leo should let Zuko have him." 

Vickie backed up and let fly a punch that landed squarely on Benny's cheek. 

"You think you raised hell," she hissed as she walked out of her apartment. 

"If I raised hell, baby, you'd know it!" 

Elaine shivered. No amount of blankets could keep her warm. Damn the flu! Curse the coughing! Blast the uncontrollable projectile vomiting! She lifted herself out of bed wrapped in a shroud-like comforter. Her uneasy trek to the kitchen for some awe-inspiring Lipton's Cup-a Chicken Noodle-Soup proved to be a complex task. At long last, she settled into her arm chair and turned the T.V. on to the Family Channel. 

*The Family Channel is pleased to present the Canadian classic, Ray of Green Gables.* 

"I'd better tape this for Fraser," she said and popped a tape into the VCR. 

The place was Prince Edward Island; the setting, a farmhouse in 1830's Charlottetown. Matthew Cuthbert, an elderly but goodly farmer, bought home from the train station an unusual guest. 

"Did you bring home the boy?" asked Marilla tersely. 

Matthew scratched his head. 

"Well, I don't know..." 

Marilla huffed. 

"Well, did you or didn't you?" 

"Hey! What a nice place we've got here!" cried a raucous voice. 

In the parlour, a gaunt girl-boy-like creature with flaming red braids and large freckles handled the bric-a-brac on the coffee table. He swung his bag to and fro nearly knocking over lamps and statuettes. 

Marilla stared at this apparition in horror. 

"What are you doing here?" she cried. 

"My name's Ray, Ray Shirley. Ray's with a Y, by the way. You asked the good people at the orphanage to send you a kid and, badda-boom, badda-bing, here I am!" 

Marilla turned to Matthew. 

"Send her back, at once!' 

Matthew groaned. 

"Can't we keep Ray? Please?" 

"Absolutely not!" Marilla cried. 

Ray was rather irate. 

"What? You don't want me cause I have red hair?" he asked. 

Marilla shook her head. 

"No, that's not the reason," she said. 

"Oh, I get it," Ray offered, " it's because I have freckles? Is because I'm Italian? Cause if it is..." 

Marilla shook her head. 

"No. The orphanage has made a terrible mistake. You must go back." 

Ray was distraught. 

"But I don't want to go back. I need the love of a good family if I'm ever going to be a good person. Oh, please don't send me back to the orphanage. Please." 

Elaine wiped her eyes. The emotional pleading of poor, little Ray Shirley proved too much for her. 

Sir Ray stood before the sinister magistrate, Lord Harding of Walsh, bound and cruelly beaten by the English soldiers. 

"Sir Ray Vecchio you stand before me under charge of treason against the king. Swear allegiance to him and you will be shown mercy." 

Sir Ray laughed. 

"Why don't you kiss my..." 

Fraser changed the channel. An interesting Steven Spielberg film, **Rayders of the Lost Ark** , was on channel 44... 

Indiana Ray grabbed Angie by the waist and swung across the pit of cobras. It would be a cold day in hell before he would find the Lost Ark of the Covenant for the likes of Ford and his evil crew. 

"We must go back to the tent and get the key," Ray said to Angie and they hurried out of the cavern into the open air. They slid down the incline and ran towards the camp. They crawled on their stomachs into Ford's tent. 

Ray rummaged through a trunk. Angie looked through a chest of drawers. Ray at last picked up the gold medallion key. 

"I've got it!" he proclaimed. 

"Not so fast," Ford cried. 

Ray looked behind him. Ford had a gun pointed to Angie's head. 

"I'll have the key if you don't mind, Dr. Vecchio." 

Indiana Ray tossed the key to Ford and was moved out at gunpoint. 

"You have no idea what you're getting in to, Ford," Indiana Ray sniped. 

"On the contrary, Dr. Vecchio, I'm into the discovery of the century. Now move." 

Indiana Ray and Angie were moved out of the tent and into the clearing. 

"The X points here!" cried henchman Smith. 

"Start digging!" Ford ordered and a group of lower-level Feds proceeded to dig. 

"You'll never get away with this!" Indiana Ray cried from the post he and Angie were tied up to. "You have no clue what forces you're meddling with." 

"Shut him up!" Ford ordered and someone struck Indiana Ray squarely on the jaw. 

Fraser sipped the glass of orange juice and stroked Diefenbaker's head. 

"In a few minutes, Dief, their faces will melt off. Won't that be fun?" 

Diefenbaker barked lowly and watched with interest. 

Benny Vega slunk into the squalor of Joey's home. 

"Do you have the stuff for me?" Benny asked. 

"Do I ever!' Joey exclaimed gleefully. 

Joey took out a bag of sugarcubes and dangled them in front of Benny. 

"They can be all your's for the right price, my man." 

Benny handed a wad of cash to Joey and took the bag. 

"Mind if I have one?" Benny asked. 

"Sure," Joey replied as he left the room. 

Benny placed a cube in his mouth and savoured the sweetness. He was no longer in the real world. The air itself changed hue. Benny could feel the blood race through his veins. His head swam and colours danced before his eyes. He was happy. 

Ray was shocked. How could Benny be so foul? Sugarcubes, of all things! Ray picked up the phone and dialled his friend's number. 

"Hello, Benny?" 

Fraser sniffed and responded. 

"Hello, Ray. Are you feeling any better?" 

"Never mind me, you sugar-junkie!" 

Fraser was shocked by Ray's tone of voice and his obscure insinuation. 

"Ray, what are you saying?" 

"I don't believe this!" 

Mrs. Frannie Wallace answered the door. Devilishly wicked eyes smiled at Benny under huge blunt-cut bangs. 

"Come in. I'll be with you in two shakes of a lamb's tail." 

Frannie went into another room and scooped a spoonful of a banana split, even though it 

wasn't good for her. 

"Let's go," she suggested and they went to Jack Rabbit's restaurant. 

"Ray?" 

"Look, you glucose-freak, I don't care if Frannie *is* Mr. Wallace's wife and you have to take her out, if you do anything, and I mean *anything*, I'll break your legs!" 

Ray slammed down the receiver. 

Fraser was rather, well, ticked off. His "best" friend has just phoned him up and accused him of being a sugar-junkie of all things. Well, Fraser was not going to take this sitting down, at least not in the metaphysical sense. He dialled Ray's number. 

"Yello," Ray mumbled. 

"Ray, I hope that when Ford opens the Ark of the Covenant your face melts off! Oh, and you probably suck at caber toss, too!" 

Fraser hung the receiver with a huff. Ray, on the other hand, was no nearer to understanding his friend than he had ever been. 

Frannie sat across from Benny sipping her five-dollar shake. 

"Did you know that I was in a T.V. pilot?" Frannie piped. 

"No," Benny replied, "tell me about it." 

"Well,"she grinned, "I'll tell you in stages. There were five of us, all foxes..." 

Benny began to listen to Frannie's endless bantering. 

"We were taught never to torment the muskox..." 

Benny waited an hour more. 

"So there I was, dripping Vaseline and I said to the guy, What do I do with the parachute?' No clue, no clue..." 

Benny found that his service revolver was in his mouth and his finger was on the trigger. 

Frannie noticed that Ed Sullivan was gathering people for the Jack Rabbit Slim's Twist Contest. The prize was the biggest, shiniest, cheesiest trophy put on God's earth. 

"Let's dance!" Frannie suggested. "Oh, I want to dance and I want that trophy. My husband said you had to take me out and do what ever I wanted to do and now I want that trophy." 

Benny let out a sigh. 

"Yes, why not? I've driven you here, I've eaten with you. I've drunk with you, I've talked with you and, so help me God, I will dance with you." 

Benny and Frannie started to go-go dance on the stage in front of the other patrons of the restaurant. 

The night of fun was over. Benny waltzed Frannie back into her stylishly decorated house and went to wash his hands in the bathroom. Frannie placed the trophy she and Benny had won on the mantlepiece. She walked over to the stereo and played a song the CD machine. She danced around her living room vigorously. She slipped her hand into Benny's coat and pulled out the bag of sugarcubes. Her eyes lit up. She took a cube out and placed it in her mouth, sucking it gleefully. Suddenly, she bolted, her eyes popped wide. 

"Oh, no!" she cried, "My diabetes!" 

When Benny came out of the bathroom, he found Frannie on the floor with the open bag of sugarcubes in her hands. He carried her to his car and raced down the road to Joey's place. He barged into Joey's house and slumped Frannie's unconscious body onto the couch. 

"Joey, you have to help me," Benny pleaded, "she had a sugarcube, now look at her! She needs insulin fast." 

"Hey! Don't bring your O.D. cases here! Get her out!" 

"You don't understand. This is Mr. Wallace's wife! You must do something." 

Joey pulled a syringe from his desk and a 10 CC bottle. He filled the syringe. 

"Ya ready?" he asked a nervous Benny. 

"Ready," replied Benny. 

With a mock amount of force, Joey injected the insulin into Frannie. Within seconds, Frannie regained consciousness and looked around her unfamiliar surroundings. 

"Frannie," Benny suggested, "if you're alright, say something." 

Uninspiredly, Frannie gave a response born of her confusion and misery. 

"Something." 

Benny smiled. He knew she would catch up. 

Benny sat across from Zuko in the warehouse. 

"Do you like my offer?" Zuko asked. 

"I think you should stick your offer in place that can't be mentioned in polite company," Benny returned pertly. 

Zuko grabbed the cheque he wrote Benny and glared at him. 

"You'll regret giving me the highhat!" he cried and instructed the large strong-arm to beat Benny senseless. 

The strong-arm approached Benny who sat down looking at the oncoming mass of muscle with serenity. Benny motioned him to wait while he took off his Stetson and overcoat. Benny slowly took off his Stetson and placed on the coathook beside him. He then placed his overcoat on the hook. He rolled up his sleeves carefully. The strong-arm ran towards him. Benny picked up the chair he sat on and whacked the man in the nose with it. 

"Aw, jeez, Benny!" the man griped. "Why did ya do that for?" 

"Sorry," Benny apologized and placed the chair down. 

The man nursed his broken nose and walked outside. Three vicious skinny suited men ran in and pummelled Benny unconscious. Within seconds of this brutal pummelling, hordes of Mounties barged their way into the warehouse and likewise beat the men. 

When Benny woke up, the Mounties continued to beat up Zuko's men. 

"How are you, Turnbull?" Benny asked. 

Turnbull looked away from the man he was punching and saluted Benny. 

"I'm fine, Benny. If you need me I'll be interrogating a suspect." 

Benny laughed as he put on his coat and Stetson. 

Elaine sipped her soup. Things had turned around for little Ray Shirley. Marilla didn't send him away to the orphanage and he found a kindred spirit with whom to go to school, BentonBerry. 

Benton pushed away a braid of raven-black hair. 

"I think Gilbert Blythe takes a shine to you, Ray," he whispered illicitly in class. 

"No way," Ray scoffed. "He's a jerk, and besides, he likes Josie Zuko." 

"Hey, Carrots! Hey, Carrots!" Gilbert called out and pulled Ray's red braid. 

Ray stood up and faced Gilbert. 

"Funny. Gilbert thinks he's so damn funny. Well let's see how funny you are now, Funny-Man!" Ray smashed a slate over Gilbert's head and shoved him about. "Come on, Farm-Boy! Let's rock! Punchtime at lunchtime, rumble at the jungle gym! Let's go!" 

The teacher restrained Ray and pulled him to the blackboard. 

"You have a very bad temper, Ray Shirley, and you will learn to control it. Write that hundred times on this blackboard." 

Ray did as the teacher ordered him to, spelling his name with a trademark Y. 

Goo poured out from the eyesockets of the evil Feds as the Divine Justice was grossly meted out. Indiana Ray and Angie shut their eyes tightly in order not to see the wrath of God. 

"Hee-hee," Fraser laughed to himself, "it's funny when people are melted in the Eyes of the Lord." 

Diefenbaker howled with delight. 

"Let this be a lesson to you, Diefenbaker," Fraser added, "do not mess with God." 

The movie done, Fraser flipped through the generally disused pages of the T.V. guide to see if there were any other movies worth watching. 

"Let's see," he said to himself, " **Rob Ray** (not to be confused with the epic, **Bob Rae** ), **Dirty Ray** -I saw that yesterday. **Rayhunter, Henray V** (as directed by Kenneth Branagh), **Huey and the Beast**...Ah, how about this- **Whatever Happened to Baby Elaine?** " 

Elaine wept wretchedly for herself. She was strapped to her bed, hobbled by her evil and demented sister, Meg. 

Meg tightened her pig-tails and pushed a cart towards Elaine. 

"I thought you might be hungry, Elaine, so I cooked something up for you," Meg lifted up the tray's cover. The roasted head of Diefenbaker stared at Elaine. 

Elaine screamed. 

"You killed Diefenbaker! You're mad! Mad!" 

"I know," Meg laughed demonically. 

Had Diefenbaker possessed opposable thumbs, he would have turned the T.V. off. But Fraser turned the television off. He was clearly disturbed. 

"That will be enough for today. I could use some rest." 

Fraser puffed up his pillows and secretly wondered if Diefenbaker could be served with rice pilaf but he scolded himself for such a thought. 

Ray Winnefield and Benny Vega had been through a lot but nothing quite like this. They became unconscious after the Riv had been smashed up. When they woke up, they were tied up with leather straps and had orange tennis-balls shoved in their mouths. Elaine and Huey looked at them with sinister glee. 

"Bring out the gimp," Huey said at last. 

"But the gimp is sleeping," Elaine countered. 

"Well, then, wake the gimp up." 

Elaine pulled a mysterious figure out of a trunk and pulled the mask off. 

"Fraser!" Margaret Thatcher screamed. 

"Actually," Benny tried to say, "it's Vega." 

"Since when did you become Italian? You are ordered to get me out of here. Do you understand?" 

"I'll take him," Huey pointed at Benny and Elaine took him into the other room. 

Ray fidgeted in the chair and tried to loosen the straps. He jerked his arms and the straps loosened. 

"Yankee!" Thatcher screamed. "Untie me this instant!" 

Ray picked up the tennis-ball. 

"You know I liked it better when you couldn't talk," Ray remarked and shoved the tennis-ball into Thatcher's mouth. 

Ray opened the door to the other room. What he saw was shocking (sensitive readers beware). They were (hold on) tickling Benny's armpits. Ray struck Elaine from behind and pointed a gun at Huey. 

"I think it's time we do medieval on your..." 

Ray changed the channel. A science-fiction spin-off, **Dief Space Nine** , was on channel thirty. 

Captain Diefenbaker stared at the enemy alien space craft on the view screen. The buxom red-headed alien bit her nails nervously. 

"Oh, Captain Diefenbaker. What will we do?" 

"Woof!" 

"What? Realign the laser array?" 

"Woof!" 

"Adjust the turbo-banks and fire at the prow? Aye, Captain." 

The alien pressed a few buttons and watched as a red death-ray was ministered unto the evil aliens. 

"Oh, Captain Diefenbaker! You saved us all! How could I ever repay you?" 

Captain Diefenbaker's brow raised and his lips curled in delight. 

Ray turned the T.V. off. 

"Not even wolves are that lucky," he said and went to bed. 

Drool escaped Huey's mouth. His Missus sat next to his sleeping form and patiently wiped the drool away. He muttered lines from the movie, **The Good, the Bad and the Mountie** , but when she looked at the screen she saw no Mountie. Only Clint Eastwood riding away with the sack of gold he cheated the Mexican out of. Huey's wife turned the T.V. off and pulled the blanket up to his chin. 

Elaine took the tape out of the VCR and put it in its case. She sneezed once and shuffled off to bed. The day after next, she would have to return to work. 

The madness did not stop with the end of the flu. Instead, the confusion became rampant. Ray and Fraser calmly walked into the 27 precinct together trying to maintain some accord. 

"So, Fraser," Ray began, "eat any good sugarcubes lately?" 

"No," Fraser replied, "have managed to actually *lift* the caber?" 

"I don't know what you are talking about," Ray said without looking at Fraser. 

"Well neither do I." 

Elaine rose from her desk and glared at Ray. 

"You have taken an otherwise wholesome family classic and turned it into *Good Fellas*. I'm going to give you what you gave Gilbert Blythe when he saved you from that leaky boat." 

Ray smiled smugly. 

"Would that be a kiss?' 

"No," Elaine answered, "this." 

Elaine jerked her knee to Ray's groin and went to her desk. Ray doubled over. 

"And I have something for you," Elaine added prompting Fraser to strategically place a chair in front of him. 

"I taped this for you," Elaine gave Fraser the tape. 

"Oh...Thank you kindly, Elaine." 

Huey walked past Fraser and then turned to him. 

"I never knew there was a Canadian Mafia," Huey said and sat at his desk. 

Fraser crouched to talk to Ray. 

"You must come with me at lunchtime. I must take you somewhere." 

"Where?" Ray still winced. 

"To a tartan shop," Fraser answered, "you're being fitted for a kilt. If you are going to lead Scotland in its fight for independence you'll have to look the part." 

Ray stared straight ahead of him. 

*I'm in the Twilight Zone*, he thought. *I must still be...* 

Static blared across the screen and the remote control shut the television off for the night. 

The End 


End file.
